Menopause has long been under-discussed and under-treated. Perimenopause maybe even more so. When Heather Corrina used Dorthy Parker’s famous line, What Fresh Hell is This? as the title of her book, she hit the nail on the head.
Hot flashes, brain fog, itchy ears??? The list of possible symptoms is long and baffling. And experiencing these symptoms without understanding the cause can be a scary and isolating experience.
But Gen Xers and Elder Millennials are refusing to go quietly. Maybe it’s because some of the shame around sex and bodies is lifting. Or maybe it’s because we have better access to information and connection to each other, through the mixed blessings of the internet and social media.
“If there's only one piece of advice I can offer it's to make sure you're talking about the changes you're experiencing with your friends. The conversations in the group chat have been just as important as the conversations I've had with my doctor,” says sex educator Dirty Lola.
Pushback is reaching the medical establishment, too. Just last year, the FDA announced it would remove “black box” warnings from estrogen products. And demand for prescriptions, such as estrogen (or estradiol) patches has been so high, they’re regularly backordered causing long waits at pharmacies.
That doesn’t mean all doctors are changing their views at the speed we might like. In my own perimenopause journey, I had to find a new gynecologist to take my symptoms seriously and discuss HRT. And while it’s easier said than done, it’s so important to advocate for yourself if your doctors aren’t providing the help or treatment you need. Because nothing can replace the advice of a (sex positive, well informed) medical professional.
Libido & ‘sex drive’:
We don’t really have good language to talk about desire and arousal in a way that’s broadly understood, and that makes it even harder to talk about changes in arousal through aging and other body changes.
“Our bodies aren't broken, they're just changing and we have to relearn how to navigate them,” says Dirty Lola
As Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, beautifully explains, sex is not a ‘drive’ in the scientific sense. You won’t die from a lack of sex (even if it sometimes feels that way.)
Fluctuation in hormones can change how frequently desire is felt, and how easy arousal is to achieve. Those fluctuating hormones can cause tons of other symptoms, like mood and body changes, that also impact our desire for sex.
Some of those body changes, like membranous tissues becoming more fragile, and decreasing lubrication or sensitivity, can mean the kinds of sex we’re used to don’t feel as good any more (or might feel downright painful.) And if sex isn’t leading to pleasure, it’s more than reasonable to want less of it!
Books & Classes:
Gathering information is a great first step. [Join our newsletter] to keep up to date on the classes She Bop is offering, like Dirty Lola’s Desire After Body Shifts. And load the bookshelf with titles that can help demystify this time of life. There are many literary and visual resources to help you through menopause, such as What Fresh Hell is This? and Our Bodies, Ourselves: Menopause.
These resources are valuable not just for understanding our own bodies, but for talking about changes with partners. Because partners can’t know our needs have changed if we don’t tell them!
Lube & Moisturizers:
Adding lube to sex is often a good idea. And with the possibility of more sensitive tissues and less natural lubrication, it’s essential.
My personal perimenopause journey was further complicated by having a hysterectomy. And as soon as I got the go-head to start exploring sex again after surgery, I made a visit to She Bop as a customer, rather than an employee. My first purchase was Fiora Sex Oil with CBD* which can be used for moisturizing, self exploration, or partnered play.
Fiora has a variety of products for different tastes and needs. Foria Vibrance Melts help support internal hydration. And the Foria Passion Play Kit contains both an arousal oil and a massage oil — because intimacy isn’t just about the genitals! Starting with a full body massage, or even just focusing on a few tense areas (like the shoulders) can be a great way to relax and decide if further intimacy sounds appealing. If so, the arousal oil can help shift your massage to something more erotic.
*Fiora’s CBD products are only available in store.
Wicked Simply Timeless Arousal Serum is formulated to support people during perimenopause and menopause with ingredients that warm and hydrate.
Dame Play Balm has a thicker texture that can be used both as an intimate moisturizer, and as a lubricant during play.
Keep in mind that the oil based moisturizers and lubricants aren’t compatible with latex condoms. But there are a vast array of lubes that are compatible with barriers, including water based and silicone options.
Sex Toys:
When experiencing decreased sensation, toys with stronger, deeper vibration can be helpful. Wand style vibrators generally offer the strongest vibrations, while their long handles make them easier to maneuver into the right spot. A thigh harness can even let you go fully hands-free. If you’re not sure where to start with wand vibes, the Magic Wand is a classic for a reason. If you want something a little smaller, the Shibari Mini Halo Wand or Dame Min are also great pics.
The Lelo Mona Spectra massager merges sensual g-spot stimulation with advanced red LED light technology. It focuses on intimate soothing and overall appearance of even-looking skin while delivering deep, powerful orgasms.
For a different kind of sensation, the Eroscillator (which oscillates, rather than vibrates) provides strong, pin-point stimulation.
The main takeaway is that we can never stop learning and exploring. As our bodies (and our partner’s bodies) change over time, we can adapt to these changes in ways that can be surprisingly fun!
The dialog about aging, perimenopause, and menopause is too often about loss. And while it’s helpful to make space for grief about these changes if that’s what you’re feeling, many people experience greater freedom as part of these changes as well. From caring less about what others think, to discovering new kinds of pleasure and sex to explore, the possibilities are endless.