Ask She Bop: Difficulty Coming With A Partner
Dear She Bop,
I have hella religious trauma that I think still shows up around my sex life-mainly, I can’t cum with another sexual partner, even though I feel safe and secure with them. Qhat recommendations do you have for someone to try and cum with another person, esp without any toys involved?
tysm!
Wanting That O
Hey wanting that o,
Thank you for writing in, my heart goes out to you. That religious trauma is insidious. It gets deep into your nervous system, making your body a place of shame and fear instead of a home for pleasure and connection. It makes perfect sense that even when your mind says "safe," your body, that still holds all that old pain, hesitates at the finish line.
First, let’s get this out of the way: not being able to reach orgasm with a partner, especially when you feel safe with them, is not a failure on your part. It's a very common, very human response to trauma. It's not a sign that you're broken either. Take it instead as a sign that you're carrying a heavy history, and your body is being very honest about that.
Let's talk about some steps you can take, starting with a powerful, touch-based technique.
Bring back focus to the now.
One of the most effective, no-toy-required methods is to return your attention to the present. It’s normal for your thoughts to drift, sometimes to shame, memories, or distractions but it can often interfere with intimacy. Try, as often as you’re able to bring your mind back to sensations and being present with your partner.
Take the goal of orgasm completely off the table. With your partner, take turns just exploring each other's bodies with touch, but skip the genitals and breasts at first. Pay attention to the textures, temperatures, and pressures of different types of touch.
Find Your People
You are not alone in this deconstruction journey, especially here in Portland. There is a large community of people who have left the church and are recovering from religious trauma. This includes some folks who have create sex-positive and inclusive spiritual spaces. One of these organizations is Queer Enough. Created as a direct response to the pain of exclusion and combating sexual stigma in faith communities, Queer Enough is a space for LGTBQ folks and allies to promote healing and repair. They host events, mutual aid, and just hold space for people to be fully themselves—doubts, questions, and all. It could be a wonderful place to find community and feel less alone in your experience.
Reach Out For Help
Beyond community, professional support is invaluable. Portland has some incredibly specialized therapists who get this. Look for a sex therapist who specializes in religious trauma and purity culture deconstruction. A licensed professional who understands the specific shame and conditioning you're working through will be able to help you unpack past experiences that are impacting the way your body is reacting now.
The journey from shame to safety and pleasure is a reclamation. It's a way of telling your old, fear-based voices that they no longer get a say. Unfortunately, there isn’t an overnight solution but the journey you take to heal will help you gain a deeper understanding of your sexual self. Be gentle with yourself.
Get Squirmy Conversation Deck
What you’ll like: Each of us brings a unique perspective to the topic of sex. Past experiences, internet porn, how our families talked (or didn’t talk) about it, religious beliefs, and school sex education are some of the many factors that influence how we develop our sexuality over time. While talking about sex is often uncomfortable, it can also be healing–and hot.
From the creator: We created get squirmy to offer a way to have fun with the topic of sex. These 90 playful prompts will get you laughing and connecting with friends and lovers alike.
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
What you’ll like: Emily Nagoski’s brilliant guide dives into the science behind our sex drives and will help you understand why stress and trauma can create physiological blocks. She includes prompts and exercises to help you examine your our sex life and gives a straight forward explanation to help you start tackling your hang ups in bed.