Ask She Bop: Masturbation May
Hi She Bop!
I have a question that I’m embarrassed to ask. I honestly can’t believe I’m even typing this. But I’m worried that I spend too much time masturbating. I was in a long-term relationship with my high school sweetheart for nearly a decade, but we broke up at the beginning of the year, and it ended very badly. I’m still in shock and processing what happened, so I haven’t felt ready to put myself out there – not even for a one-night stand. I didn’t have much of a libido at first, but recently it’s been the opposite. I can’t stop thinking about jacking off. I’m worried this isn’t healthy, but how do I know? I know guys my age talk about having high-sex drives, but I’ve also watched videos about how excessive masturbation can be harmful. I’m confused and not sure whether I should stop. Help!
I don’t want to be a gooner
Hello, I don’t want to be a gooner,
What a timely question, happy Masturbation May! First, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult breakup. It makes sense that you are experiencing changes in your libido and desire as a result. I’m happy you recognize that you’re not in a place to be intimate with another person; there’s no point in rushing into rebounds, one-night stands, or new relationships. Take time to get to know yourself better! A decade is a long time to be in a relationship, especially since you were quite young when it started. Developing a self-pleasure routine can be a healthy part of reconnecting with yourself.
Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer to “how much is too much masturbation?” While the pervasive cultural fear around masturbation can lead you to believe that touching yourself is shameful or wrong, that’s not the case. Masturbation can be sexually empowering, reduce stress, improve sleep, and boost your overall well-being. Now, like any behavior (think of eating, for example), taken to an extreme, it can have the opposite effect. It’s not sustainable if you neglect work, friends, and other responsibilities to masturbate. It’s okay if right now you’re trying to understand what a healthy amount looks like for you. Sometimes, we go a bit too far and have to pull it back.
My recommendation would be for you to take some time to develop a masturbation routine. Decide when, where, and for how long you want to pleasure yourself. Then try to stay within the parameters you set for yourself. Remember to be kind to yourself if you slip up; adding shame won’t help you feel like you’re in control. Masturbation should be something that makes you feel good, and the mental framing around it has a big impact on your overall attitude towards sex.
You didn’t mention whether or not you use pornography to masturbate, but I would also encourage you to seek out ethical websites. Consuming sex positive media from reputable companies that treat their actors fairly will also make you feel more positive.
It’s great that you were brave enough to reach out to us! And just know that if you feel like this behavior is getting out of control, you can always reach out to a licensed sex therapist who can offer one-on-one support; there’s no shame in asking for help.
Best of luck,
Sam from Team Bop