Choking: Harmless Fun or Dangerous Gamble?
As porn has become increasingly more accessible, and quality sex education scarce, certain practices have moved from the fringes into popular awareness. One of the most prevalent—and potentially dangerous—of these is choking, or what is more accurately termed erotic breath play. While choking may seem like harmless fun, the reality is that this act carries severe, life-altering risks that are frequently underestimated, especially with teens and young adults. So let’s look at why choking is so risky and explore some alternatives to achieve that desired intensity.
The Pornification of Sex
While choking is commonly featured in porn, what we see onscreen is different than the reality of behind the scene shots. Not only do porn actors often exaggerate their response for the camera, but tube sites (where most teens and young adults consume free porn) rarely include the consent negotiations involved in filming scenes. The omission of the behind the scene negotiations can lead viewers to assume that choking is something that can be done without asking and that doesn’t require a robust safety plan and prior knowledge. This is especially worrisome considering that choking is far more prevalent among younger demographics, who also happen to be less sexually experienced making it far more risky.
A 2020 Campus Sexual Health Survey (CSHS) reported that 58% of undergraduate women polled reported having been choked during sex. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34020921/) Researchers on the rising phenomenon of choking specify that porn isn’t the only place that people learn; social media, erotica, and other popular media also feature this sex act. The same research does point out that many young women who have been choked by their male partners report that the type of sex they have has been influenced by their partner’s porn consumption. Scarier yet, most women who have been choked (even those who report enjoying it) rarely communicated with their partner about this practice ahead of time, relying on “in the moment” intensity - as often depicted in porn. While porn isn’t solely to blame for the rise of this risky sex act, it’s disingenuous to say it isn’t the largest contributing factor. Knowing this, it’s important to continue stressing that pornography isn’t sex education, funding proper sex ed classes for young people that address high-risk practices, and advocating for ethical porn distribution that includes consent negotiations within the scenes (especially for risky acts).
The Inherent Dangers of Choking
Choking is actually a misnomer, what we actually mean is manual strangulation. There are different techniques and motives involved. But it’s important to move past the idea that there’s a way to do "safe choking." Physiologically speaking, there is no safe way to restrict blood flow or oxygen to the brain. Here’s why:
The Anatomy is Too Delicate
The biggest issue with choking is that it’s very easy to damage your respiratory system without meaning to. While you may assume that you need to assert tremendous pressure in order to get injured, this simply isn’t true. Your neck houses two of the most critical systems for survival and they aren’t as robust as you may assume:
The Carotid Arteries are the vessels that supply blood to the brain. Even mild pressure can disrupt this flow.
The Trachea is a fragile structure made of cartilage. Crushing your windpipe is easier than it seems and is not only extremely painful but can lead to long-term damage.
The Brain's Vulnerability
Beyond damaging your windpipe, the second biggest concern, and leading cause of death from strangulation is brain damage. Your brain is incredibly sensitive to oxygen deprivation. Even mild oxygen deprivation can cause dizziness or a "high," which some seek. However, this is a sign that brain cells are being deprived of the air they need to function. If you wait too long, the cells begin to die. Which is why, prolonged oxygen deprivation can lead to permanent brain damage, stroke, or even death in a matter of minutes. The line between a fun "sensation" and catastrophe is dangerously thin.
The Delayed Danger
Unfortunately, the risk doesn’t end there. Many people think that as long as they don’t choke their partner “too long” or “too hard” they’ll be fine. However, one of the most insidious risks is that injury can happen after the act is over since blood clots can take time to form, leading to a stroke hours or even days later. This means that even if everything "seems fine" in the moment, you’re not necessarily in the clear
Legal Troubles
Beyond the physical risk associated with strangulation, it’s important to realize that engaging in this act can come with legal consequences if a partner is injured or killed. While it may not be your intention to gravely hurt your partner, it’s important to weigh the immense ramifications these acts can have on your lives before engaging in them. While the laws are still murky in most places, and sexual violence is still under persecuted compared to other violent crimes, since choking is often done without recieving explicit consent you can be held liable by a partner who wasn’t onboard.
Emotional & Psychological Damage
As we explored earlier, many women who have been choked didn’t necessarily provide their consent ahead of time. In fact, the first time they were choked by a partner was often a surprise; and not always a pleasant one. Many people report being scared while they were being strangled and fearing their partner would hurt them or even kill them. This can obviously leave some rather serious psychological wounds. It’s also important to note that choking is also frequently used to assert and maintain domination during sexual assaults. So even in a scenario where choking is desired, many people have prior trauma with this sex act, making it extremely important to discuss prior and to obtain consent.
The Myth of "Knowing How"
As choking has gained popularity, so have articles and content defusing tips and tricks to do it “safely.” Many people believe that by avoiding the windpipe and only pressing on the sides of the neck, they can do it without risk. This is a dangerous misconception. It's impossible to know how much pressure is "too much," and factors like underlying health conditions (like heart issues or blood clots) make the risk unpredictable and unique to every individual. Further, if safe words (or gestures in this case) haven’t been established, it can be very easy for choking to go too far. Studies also indicate that beyond initiating strangulation without communication, this act is often done while people are using substances, making the entire situation even more dangerous. It hopefully goes without saying that you cannot keep someone safe during an inherently risky sex act if you’re under the influence. No matter your technique, engaging in high-risk sex in irresponsible ways is never acceptable.
Okay, we’ve established the dangers… now what?
In the world of consensual kink, experienced practitioners classify breath play as "edge play" — activities with an extremely high, inherent risk that cannot be mitigated away. Our education coordinator, Stella Harris, has a hard line against teaching classes on breath play at She Bop for this very reason. It's impossible to get a comprehensive understanding of the risks, and risk mitigations, in a 90-minute workshop. But a lack of education also doesn’t keep people safe—especially when porn is filling in the gap.
Instead of engaging in choking or breath play, there are many alternatives that can give you a similar thrill without risking permanent injury or death.
Powerful and Intimate Alternatives
If the goal is to feel a rush of intensity, power, vulnerability, or deep connection, the good news is that there are many profoundly effective and far safer ways to achieve this. The key is to channel that desire for heightened sensation into practices that carry lower risks.
Breath Play Without the Choke: Sensory Deprivation
The "breath play" sensation is often about the psychological thrill of vulnerability and control. You can achieve this experience by focusing on the mouth without ever touching the neck, reducing the chance of injury. Place your hand over your partner’s mouth leaving the nose free or vice versa (pinching your partner’s nose but leaving their mouth free). You can also use a blindfold or a ball gag. The feeling of restriction can be incredibly intense and arousing, while being vastly safer. The partner in control can whisper commands or affirmations, enhancing the psychological connection too.
The Power of Touch: Sensation Play
Another option to choking is exploring the vast landscape of sensation play to create peaks of intensity. Use different textures and temperatures on your partner's skin. You can start very light by dragging a feather, a piece of silk, or a leather glove across their body. And increase the sensation, if they’re into it, using a Wartenberg wheel or a violet wand. You can also explore temperature play, using an ice cube, a warming massage oil, or wax (make sure you’re using ones designed for sexual use to avoid severe burns). You can also utilize unpredictable touches such as scratching with fingernails to replicate the exhilarating feeling and loss of control. The element of surprise is key.
Assertive Touch and Restraints
Instead of focusing on the neck, channel that desire for firm touch into safer, muscle-rich areas. A firm grip on the hips, thighs, lower back, or shoulders during sex can communicate dominance and passion without risking serious injury. You can also restrain your partner's wrists above their head (with clear consent and a pre-arranged safeword, of course). This can create a similar dynamic of power and surrender. Even grabbing the back of the neck, or pulling hair can be a safe alternative. But again, checking in first is essential.
Ligature strangulation is hands down the most dangerous form of breath play and should be avoided. Using restraints, bondage, rope can be very hot when applied correctly to safe areas of the body. You can also drag rope across a partner’s neck without tying it to invoke the arousal of ligature strangulation if this is something that you really enjoy. When you’re working with rope, always have safety shears (non-medical scissors) nearby to instantly cut the restraints if needed. Never leave a restrained person alone, and avoid restraining in positions that could strain joints. Please check out the excellent bondage and Shibari classes at She Bop if you’re new to this or want to brush up on your skills!
Above All: Communication and Consent
No matter what you explore, the bedrock of adventurous and fulfilling sex is ongoing, enthusiastic consent and open communication. While choking someone without asking first is a huge NO, you shouldn’t spring any of the above alternatives on your partner without consulting with them either. Ideally, have conversations outside of the bedroom before introducing new acts. You can check out our Yes/No/Maybe list if you want help initiating this conversation. Once you get to the bedroom (or wherever) use a safeword and gesture to immediately stop all activity. The safeword should be something you wouldn't normally say during sex (e.g., "red"). This allows partners to explore more freely, knowing there’s a safety net everyone can evoke if things aren’t feeling right. Never be embarrassed to use a safeword. You can always jump back into a scene after checking-in, but it’s far harder to recover once lines have been crossed. Lastly, prepare to check in with your partner and provide aftercare when you’re trying more emotionally and physically intense sex. "How did that feel?" "Was that okay?" These simple phrases build trust and ensures you're on the same journey together.
Intimacy is about connection, pleasure, and exploration. While the allure of intense experiences is understandable, our choices must be informed by a respect for the incredible fragility and value of the human body and mind. By choosing safer alternatives to choking, you are not settling for less—you are investing in a future of continued connected intimacy. The greatest intensity comes from trust, and trust is built on the foundation of safety.
Disclaimer: We understand that there is a subsection of the population that engages in edge play in an intentional and responsible way. Our aim in this article is not to kink-shame those who practice hardcore BDSM, but to dissuade the general population from adopting a flippant attitude towards a practice with potentially life-threatening consequences. If you or your partner are interested in exploring kink and BDSM practices further, please seek out reputable educational organizations and communities that prioritize safety, consent, and risk-aware education. We honor every individual’s right to sexual self-determination and always prioritize education over abstinence.